being here, right now.

Every time I nurse Miles and look into his cute little face, I can't help but wander back a year in my mind. Wander back to a month that was filled with so much sadness and grief and a month that was all about starting over, like it or not.
I look at Miles and realize that in one year's time, we're in this beautiful place that God has brought us. Celebrating our new little boy. Getting all googly'eyed {is that a word?} over his every facial expression and each new sound he makes.

I am so amazed at God's creation, but lately, I'm feeling overwhelmingly amazed at His perfect will.
The way He lays things out and plans each step. The fact that he doesn't only know what tomorrow holds, He's already there, IN tomorrow. Its not like He just sees the future. He's in it.
How reassuring is that for you?! It forces me to stop and chill and be thankful for today and remember I don't need to panic because His planning is perfection. Even when I completely mess up and try to control things - He already knew I'd do that and has His plan woven around my mistakes.
And then the fact that through my mistakes He graciously and tenderly teaches me so much... again, in total awe.
I hope my kids see God's love in our parenting. I hope we're able to take our daily conviction, our daily glimpses of God's grace and love for US and show them what that looks like, practically lived out.

I'm enjoying these new baby days... probably more than I ever have before. If for nothing else, just because I'm finally becoming very aware of how fast the first couple of years passes.
Sure, there's very little sleep taking place.
Sure I feel like I'm nursing 24/7
Sure, we've had to slow life way down and have gotten back to learning to enjoy the simplest things... but he's so worth it. I love this little guy so very much.
Tonight I was singing a song to him that I sang over and over when he was in my tummy - "How Deep the Father's Love" - I couldn't get over the look of recognition on his face when I started singing it. Every time, it gets his attention. He'll stop crying and just stare at me with wide eyes.
But tonight, half way through the song, he smiled at me. Okay fine, maybe it really was gas, but this Mama decided we were sharing a moment :)
As Jason and I were drifting off to sleep I told him, "I am amazed with every child we have, how much larger God makes my heart. I can't imagine loving another child as much as I love the ones we already have and then they're born and its like God just keeps adding more room in there."
I love having another boy too. Its been fun to re-live our baby days with Ethan. He gets a kick out of me telling him "you did this-and-that when you were a baby" and when I tell him the clothes Miles is wearing were his same outfits, he's so proud. This morning he told me, "being a big brother to a little brother is going to be a very big job for me." -Yes, yes it is.

Jason went back to work today. We've had him home with us for about a month, so it felt weird to have him gone. He worked from home the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy, to be here just in case I went into labor and just in case labor was fast.
Then he took all of last week off work to give Miles and I a chance to fully relax and for him to spend time with our older three.
The house felt strangely empty. I had to go and close the office door, because walking by and seeing his chair empty made me sad. And Rachel kept running back there to show him her art work and then coming out all forlorn ... "I forgot Daddy is working in Seattle again...." :(
We're so thankful he had that time off.

I took this picture of Miles while he was sleeping today 

and got a kick out of how much he looks like Jason in his baby pictures! 

Sometimes I see a ton of myself in him and sometimes I see ALL Jason. 

I think he's a definite mixture of Daddy & Mommy :) 

{day 9}

This outfit was gifted to us when Ethan was a newborn. 

I remember dressing him in it. 

Feels like yesterday, truly. 

Oh! We had a very sweet moment with Rachel this morning. 

She came in to say good morning to Miles, like she does every morning. 

I was half awake, half asleep... and heard this as she kissed his cheeks. 

If you know Rachel you can hear her voice when you read this. 

"Good morning, baby Miles. I love you. 

You're a very special baby to us. 

God had us wait so long for you to remind us how special you are.

And I really, really love you... a bunch."