"I'm thirty" ....
...... I said that to a lady the other day when she asked me "how old are you?" As soon as the words came out of my mouth I thought "really? seriously?! Thirty??"
Yeah... its true.
Ethan likes to gasp, groan and act shocked when he hears how old I am. He tells me "30 is SO close to 100!" and I think he feels like it should make me feel special, but it has the opposite effect.
The other day I was reading parts of my journals. I didn't have time to sit and read through all of them, so I just skimmed through each one. I have journals that go back all the way to 1991, so its super fun to look through. I think I get most of the enjoyment out of seeing ways that God has grown me in the past 20+ years. I was surprised at some of my early entries, at how much I still feel the way I wrote back there. Here is one entry from 2001 (I was 21)
Also, just for clarification... today is not my birthday. I turned 30 back in February. I just came across the journal entry the other day and thought it would be fun to post.
"Everyone talks about turning 21 as if some miracle is going to happen. Maturity will just set in and life will suddenly take shape and make total sense. I'm not sure I feel that way. Maybe its really what's going to happen, but I personally don't feel it. Its like, back when I remember becoming a Christian - when I actually knew and understand I belonged to God and He was my personal Savior, I remember thinking something instantly wonderful would take place. Who knows what I was thinking was going to happen. I knew perfection is only for those in Heaven and I knew my glorified body doesn't come until then either... I think I just felt like everything would be easy... even what goes on in my head. Not just the outward, but the inward. I don't think I was led to believe that. Mom and Dad have definitely never told me that's the case and I don't recall hearing sermons where Pastors talk like that. I think its just something that goes on inside my own head. "Didn't work that way for everyone else, but I'm (for some reason) going to be different." Haha. Who knows.
I'm only 9 years away from turning 30. Wow. That sounds SO far off and so old. I'll probably come back and read this when I AM 30 and I'll point at myself and laugh. Age is a funny thing. We get really consumed with it; the way it makes us feel (I really think a lot of it is in our heads) and the way people perceive us. You know, you start hanging out with that person you think is really cool and fun to be around and then you ask her "how old are you?" and she throws out a number like "Oh, I'm turning 40 next week" and your mouth does all bit hit the floor? Suddenly she might not be that cool to hang out with. I actually happen to love the old(er) ladies that I'm friends with. I feel like all single guys and girls should have close friends who are much older, married, have kids and have been walking with God much longer. I think I should remind those ladies of how much they mean to me. And, thank them for hanging out with an immature 21 year old :)
I wonder if when I turn 30, if I'll feel 30. You know... I wonder if my body will feel like its aged. Or, if I'm going to forever inwardly feel 21. Maybe that's a hidden blessing from God. We might age on the outside, but even 80 year old women get surprised when they look in the mirror and see old, wrinkly skin. As if they forgot and expected to see that young, vibrant face. I want to say Mom told me that Great Grandma used to say that. I think she was a beautiful old lady, but I think she told Mom that even in her 70's and 80's, she would look into the mirror and think to herself "oh yes, that's right... I'm old." That must be so weird!
I imagine I'll have 1 or 2 kids by the time I'm 30, if God wills it. I wonder if that will make me feel older and wiser. I often think it will make me feel older but more more ignorant! From the things I gather from the ladies I baby sit for, becoming a wife has a way of completely humbling you and challenging your personal life and walk with God and then topping it off with Motherhood ... makes you feel completely ignorant. Wishing their were college classes to help you breeze through it all gracefully. God is so wise to have us learn these things with His help alone.
I love that about Him. He gives u so smuch wisdom in His word. There's enough guidance in there for a person of any age. He's the God of all ages. Sounds like a dumb GAP commercial. But its so true.
I hope when I am 30, I'll be more teachable, more ready to learn (with my mouth shut), eager to serve and not in such a hurry to be served, ready to show grace and not so ready to point out the flaws of others. I know I won't have these things mastered by then... but I do hope I look back at these journals and see growth. I think if I do, I won't care how old I am. I'll be so overwhelmed with thankfulness of the growth in maturity that I see. Growth in grace. Maybe the wrinkles and memory loss are to remind us that a deeper maturity is at work. "Every wrinkle brings us closer to meeting our Maker" -- I can't remember where I saw that. Stepping Heavenward maybe? Who knows... but don't get full of yourself if you re-read this someday and think you thought of it. You didn't.
So, wow. Twenty-One years old. Still feel 15, but that's okay. If I always feel 6 years younger than I am, I'll be in good shape for quite a while.
Thank You, dear Savior, for the years You've given to me. Thank You for walking beside me and guiding me through these incredibly tough, confusing, often times super difficult, hard-to-see-5-feet-in -front-of-me, years. I'm glad to be officially IN my twenties. I'm happy to be leaving the late teens behind me and I'm excited to see what new things You teach me in the next 9 years. I do pray that when I celebrate my 30th birthday, I will look back and be able to look at my twenties with gladness in my heart and not with regret. To look back and say "I sought the Lord and He indeed was good and gracious to me." Because you do promise that. You don't promise ease, comfort, everything going just the way I want it, but You've promised that You'll never lead me astray and that keeping my eyes fixed upon You - only goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.
Keep my feet from foolishness, keeps my lips from pride and keep my heart, mind and soul fixed upon You, my Creator, my God.
Oh, and... Happy birthday to me!
Yeah... its true.
Ethan likes to gasp, groan and act shocked when he hears how old I am. He tells me "30 is SO close to 100!" and I think he feels like it should make me feel special, but it has the opposite effect.
The other day I was reading parts of my journals. I didn't have time to sit and read through all of them, so I just skimmed through each one. I have journals that go back all the way to 1991, so its super fun to look through. I think I get most of the enjoyment out of seeing ways that God has grown me in the past 20+ years. I was surprised at some of my early entries, at how much I still feel the way I wrote back there. Here is one entry from 2001 (I was 21)
Also, just for clarification... today is not my birthday. I turned 30 back in February. I just came across the journal entry the other day and thought it would be fun to post.
**
February 6th, 2001 "Everyone talks about turning 21 as if some miracle is going to happen. Maturity will just set in and life will suddenly take shape and make total sense. I'm not sure I feel that way. Maybe its really what's going to happen, but I personally don't feel it. Its like, back when I remember becoming a Christian - when I actually knew and understand I belonged to God and He was my personal Savior, I remember thinking something instantly wonderful would take place. Who knows what I was thinking was going to happen. I knew perfection is only for those in Heaven and I knew my glorified body doesn't come until then either... I think I just felt like everything would be easy... even what goes on in my head. Not just the outward, but the inward. I don't think I was led to believe that. Mom and Dad have definitely never told me that's the case and I don't recall hearing sermons where Pastors talk like that. I think its just something that goes on inside my own head. "Didn't work that way for everyone else, but I'm (for some reason) going to be different." Haha. Who knows.
I'm only 9 years away from turning 30. Wow. That sounds SO far off and so old. I'll probably come back and read this when I AM 30 and I'll point at myself and laugh. Age is a funny thing. We get really consumed with it; the way it makes us feel (I really think a lot of it is in our heads) and the way people perceive us. You know, you start hanging out with that person you think is really cool and fun to be around and then you ask her "how old are you?" and she throws out a number like "Oh, I'm turning 40 next week" and your mouth does all bit hit the floor? Suddenly she might not be that cool to hang out with. I actually happen to love the old(er) ladies that I'm friends with. I feel like all single guys and girls should have close friends who are much older, married, have kids and have been walking with God much longer. I think I should remind those ladies of how much they mean to me. And, thank them for hanging out with an immature 21 year old :)
I wonder if when I turn 30, if I'll feel 30. You know... I wonder if my body will feel like its aged. Or, if I'm going to forever inwardly feel 21. Maybe that's a hidden blessing from God. We might age on the outside, but even 80 year old women get surprised when they look in the mirror and see old, wrinkly skin. As if they forgot and expected to see that young, vibrant face. I want to say Mom told me that Great Grandma used to say that. I think she was a beautiful old lady, but I think she told Mom that even in her 70's and 80's, she would look into the mirror and think to herself "oh yes, that's right... I'm old." That must be so weird!
I imagine I'll have 1 or 2 kids by the time I'm 30, if God wills it. I wonder if that will make me feel older and wiser. I often think it will make me feel older but more more ignorant! From the things I gather from the ladies I baby sit for, becoming a wife has a way of completely humbling you and challenging your personal life and walk with God and then topping it off with Motherhood ... makes you feel completely ignorant. Wishing their were college classes to help you breeze through it all gracefully. God is so wise to have us learn these things with His help alone.
I love that about Him. He gives u so smuch wisdom in His word. There's enough guidance in there for a person of any age. He's the God of all ages. Sounds like a dumb GAP commercial. But its so true.
I hope when I am 30, I'll be more teachable, more ready to learn (with my mouth shut), eager to serve and not in such a hurry to be served, ready to show grace and not so ready to point out the flaws of others. I know I won't have these things mastered by then... but I do hope I look back at these journals and see growth. I think if I do, I won't care how old I am. I'll be so overwhelmed with thankfulness of the growth in maturity that I see. Growth in grace. Maybe the wrinkles and memory loss are to remind us that a deeper maturity is at work. "Every wrinkle brings us closer to meeting our Maker" -- I can't remember where I saw that. Stepping Heavenward maybe? Who knows... but don't get full of yourself if you re-read this someday and think you thought of it. You didn't.
So, wow. Twenty-One years old. Still feel 15, but that's okay. If I always feel 6 years younger than I am, I'll be in good shape for quite a while.
Thank You, dear Savior, for the years You've given to me. Thank You for walking beside me and guiding me through these incredibly tough, confusing, often times super difficult, hard-to-see-5-feet-in -front-of-me, years. I'm glad to be officially IN my twenties. I'm happy to be leaving the late teens behind me and I'm excited to see what new things You teach me in the next 9 years. I do pray that when I celebrate my 30th birthday, I will look back and be able to look at my twenties with gladness in my heart and not with regret. To look back and say "I sought the Lord and He indeed was good and gracious to me." Because you do promise that. You don't promise ease, comfort, everything going just the way I want it, but You've promised that You'll never lead me astray and that keeping my eyes fixed upon You - only goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.
Keep my feet from foolishness, keeps my lips from pride and keep my heart, mind and soul fixed upon You, my Creator, my God.
Oh, and... Happy birthday to me!
Comments