I'm not really sure what title to give this post...

... how about, Going Home; a rather long post about my feelings on our trip.

We're getting ready to venture back to our old hometown. Its a very weird feeling. I'm filled with lots of mixed emotions. Lots of mixed emotions. I'm excited, but tired thinking about the drive there and the drive back. Just because I know how long the drive is. Thankfully our kids did fabulous (seriously) on the way up here. I guess I have this sneaking feeling that our trip up was a one time thing and the smoothness of it all isn't going to be repeated. Terrible feeling, I know, but its true.

The kids are excited, but keep asking "we're coming back to our home here, right?" Ethan continues to remind me that we need to be sure and let the lady who owns our house know that we're coming back. He's so nervous that it will be occupied by a new tenant when we come home. Rachel is worried about the drive as well and keeps asking me if there's a way she could just sleep through the whole thing, wake up and we're there. I like her idea.

Kara has no idea what's going on, but is soon going to learn how much she actually hates her carseat.

I've been so busy preparing for the trip, I'm not sure I've stopped long enough to think about it!

But alas, its upon us and here I sit... thinking. We're going to be seeing lots of family and friends in a short(er) amount of time. I have all these worries in the back of my mind - "what if we miss seeing someone and they feel like we don't care about them? What if Kara misses too many naps and in turn becomes even sicker, or just is a complete mess from the trip? what if something happens to the car? what if the kids are so sad when it comes time to come back home? what if saying good-bye to everyone, all over again is too hard to handle?!" My mind loves to go over "what ifs" - I like to think its a gift, but saying its a gift is just another way of dressing up something I should stop doing and pretending its really okay to do. I know that I am to cast ALL my cares on God, knowing He fully cares for me. I don't know about you (reader), but for me, I find myself too often convincing myself that God isn't really concerned with the minute, small parts of my life. He's surely way too busy to care for my "mixed emotions" about a trip back to the place I lived all my life, up until 8 months ago. But He does care. And, He does have time. I don't need to sit around taking anything on all by myself. He cares so much, He's even the One who waits to have a conversation with me, in which I let Him know how I'm feeling and ask Him for the grace He so freely gives. Why, oh why do I try to take things on all by myself?! I think I'll be asking that question well into my old age :)

Anyway, the trip is going to be fabulous. I just know it. And even if its not (haha) it will be what God wants it to be. In a way, I'm glad I have these mixed emotions. I'm glad going back "home" feels so emotional. It means there are people there who I really care for, I really love and I don't like to say good-bye to. It means our lives there were quite richly blessed and it means that the relationships we leave behind are super important to us. So, I'm doing my best to embrace this trip and to enjoy it the entire time we're there. I think I'm mostly thankful that returning home is something I want to do and not something I'm dreading.

I received a card in the mail the other day, from a very dear friend - I know! A real card. Like, IN my mail box. I was thrilled. I felt like a 10 year old on her birthday. I wanted to frame the card after I read it. Seriously. She commented that it seems like our transition through this move has been a blessing for us and that we seem to be adjusted to living here. I don't think I've stopped and actually appreciated that fact, until I read it in her letter. Its true. God has been incredibly gracious to us in this move. More so than 'doubting me' ever thought possible. And I tell myself that, on the days when the distance from, especially my parents, feels too hard to bear. Its been a great move. We see God in all of it, which is the biggest blessing. Jason and I so often say to each other, "did you ever think God had this in store for us?!"

Last week we realized that a year ago this month, we were heavily praying about the possibility of Jason interviewing with Amazon in Seattle, us possibly moving our lives up here and seeking to know what God's will was for our future as a family. A year ago this month so much of our lives felt "up in the air" - so much of life felt uncertain and kind of scary. And yet, all of that brought us closer to God, closer to each other and eventually brought us here, to our new home. I love that we do our best to plan our future and yet God directs our paths. That is very reassuring for my soul.

There's really so much I could say on this subject. And you thought this post was already too long! :)

Biggest lesson I've taken out of our move is that what I would once say I'd "never do", God might very well say "yes you will".  And moving 2 states away from the place I was born, raised and started my own family... was not ever in my plans. But I'm actually so glad it was in God's! And I worried that it would take me years to see it that way, which is why I feel overall so blessed that this move has opened my eyes to see, even more, how good God really is. I think its interesting how He uses life events, sometimes big, sometimes small, sometimes even our mistakes to get our attention and to teach us so many things about Him and about ourselves. Like reading a part of Scripture that I've read 100 times, somehow reaches me deeper on the 101 time I read it. Or a really good book grabs me and its what God uses to open my eyes up to something new He wants to teach me, or how He uses a specific situation in my life, or a specific person to teach me so many different things. Its just amazing to me.

I guess what I really want to get across is what I've personally learned over the past year --> GOD fully knows what's best for me. He truly does care for me. He will never leave me or forsake me. He's not waiting for me to "mess up" so He can point, laugh and shut the door. He's not me. He is faithful, He is just, He is righteous and He is fully God. That's another thing I have to tell myself often - "God isn't me. He's fully God and I am not." The Maker of the universe won't become too busy to care for my needs, no matter how small. That right there is such a comforting and yet awesome thought!

And so, tomorrow morning we'll be waking up our 3 sleeping beauties and putting them in the car, starting off on our long road trip to our old hometown. And we're finding ourselves so thankful that God has given us two places we now call home and so many people to love and serve.

I'll do my best to blog a bit while we're there, but I make no promises :-)