... was a new day. 
time seems like its flipped from fast forward, into slow motion. 
i'm guessing that's the way it is when you're grieving and feeling like this will never pass. 
today i went outside and drove the car for the first time in several days. 
it felt nice and weird. even though i was going to the hospital. 
i have to admit something and i hope i don't sound awful for saying it. 
i was a little taken aback at the sun shining. 
people being out and about living life like nothing has changed. 
i totally get that the whole world isn't going through this with us... 
but it felt weird. like for one day the rain should pour, the skies should be deep gray and 
everyone should stay home, quiet and still. 
wouldn't that be nice? 
but i bet it would completely depress me. 
it was kind of nice {after a while} to see life going forward. 
to see people smiling at me and saying "hey there" as they walked by. 
it was nice to smile and not have to go into it. to just feel normal again. 

i met a lady on the elevator. we were going to the same floor - 
we both reached for the #4 at the same time and then laughed. 
her very pregnant tummy made me guess her due date to be around early June. 
i didn't stare at her {I don't want to be that creepy woman} 
but i couldn't help but smile and tear up. 
thankful for healthy babies. 
thankful for full term pregnancies. 
remembering mine, this time, won't go that far. 
it seemed almost comforting to see her so close to her due date. 
God gives life. 

my appointment was rough. i'm sure there's a more serious word to use for it, but 
"rough" is the best word I can come up with right now. 
it was terribly emotional and hard. how's that? 
i basically passed everything on Saturday night, except for the baby :( 
so with the help of the midwife, i did that today. 
ugh. felt like my heart was being ripped out of me. 
she was the sweetest, most kind midwife though. 
i realized today that God has been placing some of the nicest 
medical staff in our path this past week.
i've heard stories from other ladies about how cold and cruel they can be. 
i'm thankful for my positive experience. 
especially since i had to go alone today. 
we sat and talked after the appointment was over. 
she asked if i had questions. she told me that i will hear that miscarriage 
is 'normal' and that its 'not a big deal' - she reminded me 
that people who say that typically have never gone through one. 
she told me to cherish my own experience. to honor the life that was in 
me by recognizing it as a real life and a real person. 
she said, "don't feel weird about that. don't you want to be remembered?" 
yes. i do. 
she asked me if we named our baby. i told her we did. 
and then for the rest of the appointment she called the baby by his name. 
i mean, seriously... sweetest lady. 
i'm bringing her a gift next week. 

came home and fell fast asleep. 
losing blood takes a lot out of me. so does crying
i watched the fugitive when i woke up and laughed at how much that movie still gets me. 
i've seen it about 50 times {maybe more} and still, 
my heart rate goes way up in some parts. too funny. 
listened to a funny song where the words say "i'm gonna grow a giant afro" 
i kid you not. lol at that one. 
listened to a sermon from proverbs. i love that series. i plan to listen to it once a year. 
got caught up on facebook, blogs and email. 
enjoyed the beautiful sunshine from my bedroom window. 
loved listening to the kids playing in the backyard
i ate mcdonald's today. i think its been 4 years since i've eaten there. 
maybe even longer than that. i'm admitting it to you all... big step. 
ethan was really confused by it ;-) 
sadly, it didn't live up to what i thought it would. maybe that's a good thing. 
i still feel sick from it. 
i read books to the girls before they went to bed. 
i love that kara still squeals with delight when she sees the moon on the pages. 
we have to stop and make a huge deal out of it every time. 
kara says her 'th' sounds better than rachel, all of a sudden. 
rachel still says 'efan' and kara corrects her 'no rache, you say eTHan." 

the midwife wants me to rest and stay in bed as much as possible until wednesday. 
not an easy task for me to do... but i'm gonna make the most of it. 
i'm working on a new prayer list. 
adding things i've been wanting to pray over for a while now. 
i have a few friends i've promised i would pray for - so i get to do lots of that over 
the next couple of days. i'm going to finish a couple books i started several months ago. 
okay, fine... last year. 
i've been reading through the book of Psalms this week. 
the most comforting book in the Bible, for me personally. 
for some reason i find Ecclesiastes to be the same way. 

 rachel very badly wanted to give our baby a name, because she said it makes her sad to just say "our baby that died". i did take the gender prediction test you can buy at target {when I was 10 weeks pregnant} and its result was boy, so we sat as a family and discussed what boy's name we could give our baby. there was one name that I very much got attached to and it holds significant meaning to me, so after going through a list of ideas we had, we finally chose Micah Lloyd. 
Micah, because its one of my favorite books in the Bible. Micah 6:8 is a verse i've written in each of the kid's journals, many times. its a verse i loved when i was younger and held a lot of conviction for me as a teenager. and i think if our baby was a boy, its definitely the one name we were all leaning towards giving him. on the night i started spotting, around 8 weeks, i remember crying out to God to protect our baby and i remember being shocked when i actually used the name Micah. i had my suspicions that it was a boy, but we really had no idea at that point. the name Micah means "who is like God". 
and we chose Lloyd for the middle name because it is Jason's Dad's middle name and i really think it goes well with Micah. Ethan is quite attached to Grandpa and has a special bond with him, so i thought it would be cute to give our 2nd son Grandpa's middle name. Lloyd means "gray" and there's no denying, this was a gray time in our lives.

tomorrow is another new day. i hope yours is very blessed

2 Corinthians 1:3

"blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 
the Father of mercies God of all comfort." 

15 {comments}:

Charlotte said...

Thank you Stef, for opening up your heart and sharing your feelings. My heart feels for you...one of my miscarriages was at 12 weeks and the Dr. had to 'help' too. Thankfully she was very gentle. I am so thankful you have such a considerate midwife! Micah is such a beautiful name. And thank you for the reminder that His mercies are new every morning....

Hugs and prayers.

Acy said...

Hey Stef, read this last night, just wanted to say I love you. Micah Lloyd is a perfect name, I love that it means gray. Hope you're able to rest these next few days.

Brooke said...

Great articulation of your time, Stef. Also good reminder to us all that so many people are having rough days, gray times all around us. I'm so glad you had such a wonderful midwife. Still praying for you.
Praying for recovery and God's comfort.
Much love,

Melissa Joy said...

It always astonishes me that when our world stops, everyone else's world still manages to keep moving; it takes me a while to catch up.
This post had me in tears. It's too familiar. And so incredibly bittersweet.
Thank you for letting us share in this grief with you. Thank you for sharing your precious Micah with us. Thank you for allowing us the privilege of not only partaking in your joys but also in your sorrows.

I am grieving with you. And praying with you.

Erin said...

I am sorry about the hard appointment. How true that you felt like your heart was being ripped out. What a heartbreak! Wow.
I understand the confusion of feeling like the world should stop, but also being comforted by the fact that it hasn't.
Love & hugs to you!

Liz said...

Continuing to lift you and your family up in prayer. I'm so glad that you had a kind and tender midwife at your appointment. I'm so sorry that you are having to walk this difficult path. The way you are taking care of your kids and seeking God in the midst of your grief is amazing. You are an amazing lady, Stef! I love the name for your dear boy in heaven. I will keep praying for your family.
Love and Blessings, Liz

Stef said...

thank you, ladies! I am blessed to call each one of you friend <3

briandem said...

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about all of this Stephanie. Use the next few days to heal physically and emotionally. Know that you are prayed for!

Casandra Bruce Lawson said...

sending you love and warmth and healing during his gray time. (found your blog via kelle hampton)

Stef said...

thank you!

Megan Knight said...

love you stef.
i know i cannot even begin to come close to understanding - but the Holy Spirit definitely helped me understand today through your post. I feel like my heart is feeling the verse - weep with those who weep.

i miss you stef. lets go sit and sip coffee soon. i would love it.

Gina said...

This is a great post Stef. Thank you for allowing me to share this journey with you. I am honored to be a part of it. <3 Micah is well honored by your family and will be a treasured memory forever. Love you!

Jessica said...

You truly have a gift that glares even brighter during gray times... so articulate, thoughtful, and encouraging all at the same time. Your heart is SO big, Stef.

I feel kinda odd saying this {but I'm sure you'll get me}...thank you for being so open about this struggle AS you are walking through it. So many people will gladly open up AFTER the fact, but it's been so amazing to be able to 'walk this' through with you and the Lord... to be able to see just how much He IS at work within you and the fam. Does that make sense?

Anyway, lots and lots of hugs, friend!!!

Stef said...

Love you too, Megan! I would love to meet up for coffee. We still want to have you guys over!

Gina, your friendship means SO much to me. I am honored that you were so willing to be such a part of this journey with us. Its women like you who have really allowed me to grieve and made sure I know its okay and good to mourn the loss of our baby.
Words can't express how thankful I am to you and to God for blessing me with your friendship... so many miles away :)

Thank you, Jess. Thank you for your prayers and sweet notes and reminders that you love us. I'm telling you... its such an honor to have such amazing friends all over the globe!

Christine said...

I am tearing up here. I am tired of this old world. I long for Heaven where there will be no more of this.


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