4.27.2011

what is true? dwell on truth.

Today was one of those hard days. Do you have those? I do. One of those days where "the grass is always greener" seems to run through my head all day long. If this was this way, then this would be easier. If this could be like this, then I'd be happier, and so on. I know none of it is true or reality, but I tell myself it is because I know it will make my dumpy mood even dumpier and for some reason, in the moment, that's what I want. To be even more discontent.
I hope its not just me that does that, but it wouldn't surprise me. I'm a bit of an odd duck.
I was attacked by allergy season back on Sunday. We had the beautiful, sunny, warm weather on Saturday, then rain on Sunday and then sun and wind Monday and Tuesday = recipe for some terrible allergy symptoms!
I woke up Wednesday morning feeling like a truck hit me {in my head only} and just wanting to curl up in bed and pretend I have no responsibilities but caring for little sick 'ol me. These are days when I think back to my Mom raising us and go "oh... she didn't have it easy and it wasn't always fun... DING!" I like those moments. Those smack you in the face with reality moments. 

But today, everything got to me... 
The kids loud noises
Kara getting into the fridge after being told a zillion million times its not allowed, 
being disciplined for it, but still, trying to see how serious we are. 
finding spilled almond milk all over the kitchen floor. 
realizing someone threw an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet and then flushed. 
my laptop is broken and the computer I'm using during the day is too slow to do 
most anything, but email. 
my Mom lives 2 states away from me.
realizing laundry is, once again, piling up too high to ignore
I have no clothes that fit me, and no clothes I like, but I hate clothes shopping 
so this is just an all around frustrating topic on any day! 
hearing the word 'no' apparently means all 3 of our kids need to throw their bodies on the floor 
and flail about until they hear the word 'yes'. You think they'd catch on that its not gonna work out that way once they've tried this technique a few too many times, but no... when it comes to stubbornness, they show an unusually impressive amount of diligence.

I text message Jase and told him I was losing it. I have no idea why this helps, but it does. I think deep down inside I know he's going to stop and pray for me and I know its exactly what I need, so I text him. But at the time, I don't tell myself that's why I'm doing it. I think I secretly want him to feel really bad that I'm stuck at home dealing with all this and he's "escaped" to work. 
I'm a horrible person, I know. 
And he called me because he thought talking it out with help, but I told him I couldn't talk. I didn't want to talk. Not because I was mad at him or thought any of it was his fault. But because in these moments I'm prone to open my big mouth and say too much. I tend to say things I don't really think, things I know aren't that terrible, but making them sound worse than they are validates my off mood.
I tend to overreact and then later on realize "wow, you didn't need to act like the world was coming to an end, just because you had one day where things got to you." So this was one of those times where I said "I can't talk. I don't want to talk, I just needed you to know." And just as I thought he would, he prayed. And God heard. He always does... because HE cares! Even about the little off days I have. Amazing
Within about 20 minutes of talking briefly with Jason, I began to feel it. That "be still and know" feeling. That "even if the world IS falling apart, I am with you, I love you, I will give you everything you need, stop trying to control things" feeling. I knew the Holy Spirit was talking to me. Thank you, Lord! 
I knew what I needed to do first. I prayed. I went to my room, shut the door, sat on the floor and prayed. A very down to earth conversation with God. He already knows what's going on in my heart so there's no need to act super Spiritual. I gave it to Him, all of it. My fears, my anxieties, even the stuff I had no idea what getting to me, but He does. I laid it down at His feet. 
Then I went to the kids, especially Ethan, who had received the brunt of my mood and apologized. Gave the "I'm sorry's" for losing my temper, for not controlling my thoughts, for allowing these little things to become so important that when they're out of whack I lose it, for placing more importance in my health and my surroundings than I'm placing in God's love for me. I love the way Ethan forgives. He's just like his Daddy. Its quick, its genuine and he's thrilled to move on in peace. I love that about them. I love that he sees this good example in Jason and understands what Christlike forgiveness looks like. He doesn't bring it up again, he doesn't put me on trial, just smiles, puts his hand on my shoulder {because I like to get down on their level when I'm apologizing} and says "I know. I do forgive you, Mommy. I'm sorry too, for being naughty because I could see you weren't feeling very good." - and we hug and we say the "I love you's" that we should say more often than we do. 
Thank you, Jesus. I needed that. 

I took the kids for a quick trip to Target, where we could browse the toy section {just because} and we could browse the arts and crafts section {just because} Ethan and Rachel could look through the kitchen utensils {they love doing this} for as long as they wanted because for once, we didn't have somewhere else to run off to. 
Life feels very much in limbo right now. For many reasons, but mostly because of what we've just come out of. Losing our baby was hard and continues to haunt me on a daily basis. I'm so thankful for the ways God has shown His love for us and the ways He shows us HE does all things for our good, because He knows what's best for us. I know all those things. I know they're true. But it still hurts. I still have days where it just hits me all over again - that excitement and joy and anticipation we were looking forward to... gone
And I in NO way want to say that God taking Micah at an earlier time than I had planned is putting me in bad moods. I have complete control over my moods and make decisions in that regard. I'm not moving blame to anyone else. I think its just emotions and hormones and such that I'm working through and still processing and dealing with. Its hard when the kids will just out of the blue ask, "why did our baby have to die? I miss him being in your tummy" and I just completely fall apart. Just as I thought I was moving on and at peace with it all.
And here I am dumping on all of you, kind readers. I don't feel too bad though, you only read because you want to :) I remind myself of that when I worry that my posts are dull and boring and sometimes long run on sentences. I remember that I only read blogs that interest me. Oh, the joys of the Internet! 

Today was just one of those days that happen upon me every so often. One of those days where I stop and think about what's really at the bottom of my emotions. What's really going on in my heart. 
What am I holding onto that I should be letting go of? What control in my life have I not given over to God? In what ways am I looking to my husband or kids to bring me complete joy and happiness, that only Christ can bring? Those are good things to think over. And sometimes I think God allows the hard days to sneak up on us, so we will stop and think about these things. So we'll ask the hard questions and do "personal inventory" as I call it :)

Tonight I'm meditating on Philippians 4:4-9 
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."


13 {comments}:

Jen said...

Thanks for writing what I was feeling today and for sharing Phil 4... I memorized that verse a few month back but am so quick to forget when I am having one of those "off" days. God knew I needed to read that too!

Sarah Moulton said...

I think each one of us has those days! You handle yours better than I do :) I definitly need to find myself kneeling talking to God more than I do. I usually try the whole "I can do this" method till that utterly fails and than try it again.What's that old hymn say "what needless pain we bear all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer." We are reading "loving God with all your Mind" by Elisabeth George which is her break down of those verses in Phil. They are very encouraging and exhorting.
Thanks for letting your life encourage me to keep on keeping on just like you:)

ally said...

oh sweet friend! i needed this! love you!!!

Brooke said...

Well said, Stef. I so resonate and relate with what you wrote and feel in such limbo now, too, for lots of other reasons. I, too, just memorized that verse :). Thanks for your honesty. These are things I want to write on my blog, but can never articulate well what I want to say :).
Love, B

Jessica said...

I had to laugh because like all mothers - I have those days too! It is so wonderful that we can rest in God and our Husbands at the end of it all.
I just had two 14 hour days at work followed by Ezekiel wetting the bed TWICE and Stephen peeing through his PJs at 3am (what did my kids drink last night?) and then screaming until 4ish...hmmm...and then most of this morning I found myself very short tempered and needing to apologize for my snipping while trying to coral my 19month old back to the kitchen table AGAIN while he got peanut butter all over the house...oh goodness. But it will be a wonderful day. :) Love you!

Nicola S. said...

thank you for the encouragement Stef. I have those days and it nice to know that other people have them as well.
Keep going, it's going to be alright! Love ya. Have a glass of wine it always helps!

The Abe Green Family said...

I had one of these afternoons. I was just in a bad mood. Not loving my life at all (how ungrateful!). Thanks for sharing your experiences. Such an example of running to Christ to help bear your burdens and meeting your needs. Thanks for the encouragement!

Erin said...

It may be most accurate to say these are my days, rather than, I have these days sometimes. Awful, I know! But, I get snappy & grouchy, at least a small bit, pretty much every day.
Ethan's understanding response is so cute!
The other day in the car I wasn't being a very kind conversationalist with my constantly chattering Gillian. I was sighing & shushing. Gillian says to me, "Mom, I know how you feel." I say, what do you mean? She says, "I understand how you feel." I ask, feel about what? She says, "sometimes us kids are really hard on you." Convicted by my little one. Ah! I felt so bad for making her feel like a burden.

Stef said...

Thanks girls. When I was writing this post, I honestly thought "I'm probably the worst mom out there!" - I think that's what happens when we keep things like this inside and don't discuss issues and short comings that we have. I talked to a few friends today that said what Erin said "if you have those days only every so often, don't be so hard on yourself!"

I feel like this year has brought about so much emotional and personal change, in my heart, but also just in my life... its been difficult but also a joy to process through it all and learn to grow from it.

Erin, what Gillian said to you was cute and stinging! I can imagine the feeling I would get... ouch!
A few weeks ago Rachel said "Mommy, are driving you crazy?" and I got the same feeling. Oops :)

Stef said...

oh, something funny I forgot to add here... after my flip out session and then the apologies were given, we got in the car to go out and what song do you think came on the CD at the moment I started the car? Judy Rogers song about the Tongue... "oh the tongue, it can cut like a knife, oh the tongue can ruin an innocent life. Stop! think about, think about the words that you say with your tongue!"

Thanks Lord... I needed that :)

Jessica said...

Um...this was my WEEK! :) Well, at least the beginning of the week--just wanted to crawl into bed, stay in my sweats, mope..you get the idea.

I just started a mentoring program through church & met my mentor on Tues. She prayed that I'd see the little gifts that the Lord gave me throughout the days, especially the harder ones. Totally changed my perspective!!! Instead of allowing the piling of 'bad' things validate my mood, I was more focused on the little delights. Amazing how that changed everything!!!

I've been thinking about you a lot this week & wanted to call so many times but figured you'd be busy. I should probably stop doing that & just call you, huh?! :)

You have such a talent with thoughts & words that I wish I could articulate as well as you! I so want to post with more depth but feel like I'm just not so good with words or coming across...Natural writer, you are.

Hmm, this probably should have just been an e-mail because I could keep going!! Ha!! Would love to catch up soon!

::HUGS::

Stef said...

Thanks Jess! I'd love to chat with you soon too!!

Liz said...

Praying for you, dear friend! I'm so sorry that you are going through these trials. Love you!

Liz

 

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