12.11.2012

peace & quiet

I'm sitting here in our dimly lit living room, with a Restful Sleep CD playing on the speakers - the Christmas tree is lit, and my baby boy is sleeping right next to me. Being away from Mama is really hard on him these days, so we stick together like glue, the two of us. When all is quiet and calm and I have the time to do it, I love it... but during the busyness of our day, I have to work hard at not being annoyed by the clingy'ness.
Does that make me sound like a terrible mother? I hope not.
That's sad, I know. Having to remind yourself that your children are more important than other duties.
I love him, you all know that. Its just a hard stage to suddenly enter. Its like my brain needs to catch up and get reacquainted with this phase of life.

I do love this time of my kid's lives. I think mostly because it never comes back. You don't get them as infants ever again. And yeah, the sleepless nights and days with baby spit up and potty mess on your clothes isn't exactly the glamorous life you dreamed of... but this is the beginning of the rest of their lives. The first memories ever made. The attachment and love being formed is pretty amazing to me.
When Jason comes in the door from work and Miles, playing on the living room floor frantically searches to make eye contact with him and then gets this huge smile across his face, kicks his feet and begins to giggle and hold his arms out for Daddy.... it makes me want to cry every time I see it.
So I have to remind myself of how precious this time is on the days when absolutely nothing gets done because we need to cuddle and he needs to be reminded that he's more important that 'things'.

I'm not really sure what exactly I'm blogging about. Just life I guess. Facebook has you condense so many conversations down to one sentence, I feel like its getting harder and harder for me to form more than one or two cohesive sentences together at a time. Its sad, I know. I'm the first person to admit that Facebook is very, very sad and not helping us as a society at all. 
Its so easy though and caters to my very lazy side.

How's life for you? So many of you don't blog anymore. I'm one to talk ;-)

I'm at a stage in life where going to the bathroom in total peace feels like a day at the spa.
I get all giddy if I get my shower taken and my hair styled before Noon. Its just the way life is right now and as much as society tells me to hate it, I don't. I'm embracing it. My Mom reminds me that even this phase shall pass. How she misses the days of being interrupted while she's trying to pee ;-)
When its gone, I'll wish parts of it back. I say 'parts' because something tells me I will never miss the sleepless nights.
I had a friend stop by unexpectedly a few days ago {which I love} and she was all apologetic when she realized I was still in my pajama pants and Jason's sweatshirt... And it was 11:30AM.
I invited her in and told her "this is how we keep it real." and I meant it. Reality isn't always so pretty and put together. But I certainly hope it always looks happy, inviting, gracious and filled with service to others.
I'm working through some areas of my life that have probably needed weeding for a while.
Placing expectations on myself that are way too high and then feeling like a failure when I can't do it all.
I don't think I've ever experienced real post pardum depression before, but I definitely have a hard time bouncing back each time we have a new baby. It seems to get worse with each one.
I don't mean my body or anything, just with life. Miles is almost 8 months old and I'm still trying to figure out how to keep the laundry cycle going, to make dinner every night, to even fit my shower in each day. I know its totally doable, I just need to handle my time better. On the nights Miles gives me 5-7 hours of sleep I do well. We've been getting to bed earlier and fitting exercise in each day for me really helps.

So I'm learning more about letting go.

Being okay with a bit of chaos.

Remembering that quiet time each day for each child is essential, no matter how much they whine beforehand.

Having grilled cheese for dinner, so I can play a board game with the kids = perfectly fine.
Something tells me they won't be complaining about that when they're older.

Not making every social event is also OK.

Also remembering that just because every other family might do it - we don't have to. Popularity doesn't make something right or necessary.
Every December I struggle with Advent. We didn't really do Advent when I was little and I'm assuming Jason didn't either because its not a top priority for him either.
Do we talk about, read and sing about Jesus' birth? Of course. But I don't have anything fancy made up for an actual advent activity. Maybe one day I will. Last year I allowed it to drag me down and make me feel like I'd failed my family in some way. This year, I actually kinda laughed at last year me.
So lame.
Either way, what a silly thing to get all hard on myself about, right? Why do we do this? Maybe worrying about silly things like that keeps our mind off the more important things that actually need our attention.

Don't try to do it all. You can't. I can't either. We shouldn't. If we could do it all, we wouldn't need God and that would be a sad world to live in.

My friend Jennie {in CA} sent me this link and I loved it. I wanted to share it with you all.
I'm done rambling now. Have a great week!





4 {comments}:

Acy said...

Thanks for the shout out, stef! haha your post was exactly what I was hoping you'd write. Seriously!!! I'm totally putting way too high of expectations on myself and kids. Even the stuff about Advent--guilty! We never did Advent growing up, but now I have to be strict about it? Oye, so much pressure. Just focus on Christ and pleasing Him...right?! Love ya Stef!

Stef said...

I'm so glad Jennie! Our conversations over IM are always encouraging to me and you inspired me to write this stuff out and share what's on my heart.

Merry Christmas!

Gina said...

Keeping it real--I'm right there with you! And I don't think it's post partum, but rather a redefining of roles. Every new baby redefines roles for every family member & makes us re-prioritize the house hold. It gets more complicated every time & there's a new normal as well but we seem to cling to the old expectations & it wears us out. It's so important and yet so hard to keep it real. I'm glad you're making progress. I'm in the same boat & it feels like I'm often paddling up stream. I know this season will pass & like you I'll miss much of it. Parenthood--not for the weary :-)

Stef said...

I totally agree, Gina! I've had people say its probably just post partum depression, but I disagree. It definitely feels more like us just needing to adjust to a new normal and it takes time.

 

Blog Template by YummyLolly.com