Moving forward

We think we found 'the' house. Still waiting though. We've done our part and now we wait to see if we're picked. For the first time in this hunt we are first in line for a house. It feels good :)

In the meantime, I'm packing. Today I got a bunch of produce boxes from Costco {thank you, Costco!} and packed up all our books, movies and some kitchen items I don't use on a daily basis. 

It actually feels good to begin packing . Feels like we're moving forward and not just standing still. 

Yesterday was super rough. I think the tiredness came crashing down and the emotions of what's really going on hit me. I had many times during the day where I just randomly cried. No real reason why. It seems like its in those moments that Satan capitalizes on everything that's wrong in my life and tries to get me to forget the blessings and to forget the amazing fact that, good news or not, I always serve an amazing, gracious God. 

Jason got a few panicked messages from me. I told him I needed a break from the kids (probably true) that I need more sleep at night (true again) that maybe we should consider just refusing to leave our current house (probably not the best idea) and most of all, I just fell apart to the one person I knew I could fall apart with. He reminded me to pray, reminded me he's praying for me (and us) and reminded me that its out of his control as well. I don't know about you, but my knee jerk reaction is to want Jason to fix it. He's a fixer and 90% of the time, he's good at fixing just about anything. Especially if its computer or household related. He has amazing ideas and doesn't become easily stressed, so when he says something is totally beyond his control, I freak a little bit. 

Those are good, growing moments for me though. 

Such hard reminders that I don't control the flow of life. I can't. I shouldn't. 

Even when I think I am, I'm not. 

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know this is something I struggle with. And so, as usual, God teaches me. When I'm with him in Heaven someday I bet we'll talk about the ways He taught and I struggled, and He taught again, I learned and then had to be taught again.

 Today I told Miles not to touch the dishwasher while it was drying the dishes. He walked by it and looked at me. I told him to trust me, the air coming out is hot and will hurt. I offered him what i knew he needed; a sippy cup filled with cold water. 

He walked closer to the dishwasher and decided it looked harmless, leaned in and touched it. 

The tears flowed and instead of sneaking away from me as he had been doing, he ran to me for a hug. I sat back on the floor comforting him and said aloud to God, "oh my word- this is me with You!" 

I'm a child who needs to remember that my Father; my Heavenly Dad has so much better for me than I could ever fathom. He doesn't just know what lies in the tomorrows, He's IN the tomorrows already. 

Why do I shove those promises away and pretend He forgets me? He never forgets me. 

I was talking with my Nephew about how God doesn't lump us in with groups of people, or our parents or siblings. He wants a one-on-one very personal relationship with ME. He knows us by our name. He doesn't see me and think "Jason's wife". He sees me. Stefanie. His daughter. 

He's bought me with his blood. He chose me. He's preparing a place in Heaven for me. 

When I think about it in those personal terms, I realize what a fool I am for thinking God could ever overlook or forget me. 

None of this means it won't be hard. That's where we get confused. "God loves me and has a better plan for me" must equal "everything will go my way!" Not so much. He does love me. He does have a better plan for me. But he also promises that if I obey and follow and trust Him; even when the road ahead seems scary or unclear, He's there walking beside me. He will never leave me or forsake me. Imagine how many times you'd have to say the opposite is true for you. How many times do you find yourself telling God His plan isn't good enough, or His path is too hard? 

  (In the middle of moving, we eat on the floor)

I've had some amazing friends and family members remind me this week that God is good and it could be worse. Its so true. Even if we do find ourselves without a home come September 1st, we have the blessing of friends offering their homes to us. And no, that's not ideal, but it would be provision and an answer to prayer. Not necessarily the answer or plan we wanted, but an answer and a way God shows us He's taking care of us in the midst of a trial. 

We have no idea how God is gonna use us for His glory even through difficult circumstances. My brain says that I can't be useful unless I'm in my own home and its nicely decorated and comfortable for people to be in. Its not the way God works - He doesn't need boundaries or conditions. He calls us to rejoice, give thanks and obey in ALL circumstances. 

Those are some things God has been teaching me. I'd love to think its the last time He'll need to teach me these things, but i know we'll have many more walks together down this same path. 

(Just a sweet moment with my two youngest while at Costco) 

I'm reading through Philippians and Hebrews right now and feeling overwhelmed by the men and women who've gone before me and fought the fight with patience and great hope. 

I hope you all have a great week!