4.07.2011

not a post I wanted to write...

We found out last night that at 12 weeks gestation, we've lost our baby :( 

I was told to go to the ER last night by my midwife, because I had symptoms that suggested 
a possible kidney infection. After several tests, exams and finally an ultrasound, we realized along with a urinary tract infection, we had also lost our baby. The Doctor said it just didn't look like it was a healthy pregnancy from the get go, but that I personally looked very healthy. Basically, "this was a tragic loss, but there's no reason to think you won't have another healthy pregnancy. Sadly, this is very common." 
I feel so blessed that God gave us a kind, sweet Doctor. Her bedside manner was very tender and kind. 

My brain feels very fuzzy and confused. I understand what's going on, but processing it will take a while. Truly processing it. I think it will be "easier" to process once its over. My personality is very much that way anyway - I tend to process and understand things clearer in the "looking back" phase. 
I feel okay today, slight cramps and such, but nothing has really started yet. Please pray for me in that. I'm nervous and scared about the physical part of things. I want to miscarry at home and not have to have a D&C, so please pray for me that it will all happen very naturally. 
Jason was able to take the rest of the week off work {or at least work from home if need be} and we have many, many friends offering to bring dinner, baby sit and help where they can. We feel extremely loved and blessed. I want to give public thanks to Jason for his tender love and help to me during my 1st trimester. The way he loved and served our family during those weeks of me being sick and so exhausted were incredible. Coming home after a full day of work, to play with the kids, feed them dinner, give baths and do the bedtime routine all by himself, run loads of laundry, vacuum, etc... it deserves an award, I think. 
We had many, many nights, where after I made dinner, I would just go collaps on the couch and be out cold for several hours. 

God is so good and He does all things well. I'm thankful He gave us our baby for the 12 weeks He did. 
He knows the amount of days each one of us will have and I took so much comfort in that last night - this was not a shock to God. He's been taking care of us and our baby these 12 weeks and His love and care and mercy isn't going anywhere.
Coming home last night and seeing my pregnancy journal I was keeping for this baby and then the book my friend Gina gave me lying next to it, titled Praying Through Your Pregnancy - that was hard.
And yet, I want those things to be reminders of the little life we celebrated for 12 weeks and the baby we will always love, but never get to meet and hold this side of Heaven. 

Thank you for the prayers, love, emails, Facebook notes and phone messages that many of you have already sent our way. We love you all so much. I believe the hardest phone calls were the ones made to the Grandparents.... these are times where the distance is really hard :( 
Pray for our kids, please. Ethan especially fully understands this means our baby died and I will not be having a baby in October. I'm thankful Rachel and Kara are young enough that this won't really impact them. They both have already adjusted to the news. Oh, to be 4 and 2 again ;-) 

Again, thank you all so much. So many of you have been such testimonies of God's goodness and faithfulness to us. We love you. 



24 {comments}:

Cindy Marsch said...

We lost our first at about the same stage, so I know how to pray for you in the time to come.

Stef said...

thank you, Cindy! knowing that women who have gone through this and know exactly how to pray really comforts me. Thank you so much!

Emily said...

Oh Stef, I am so sorry. I have been there, and I understand. I wish I lived close so I could bring you a meal and share a hug and some tears. I will be praying for you in the coming weeks, and for Jase and the kids, too. Love you!

Nini said...

Ugh. So sorry Stef. There is no doubt that you are just the mommy that that little person needed. I will be praying for you and your family!

Jenn said...

Oh Stef,

I'm praying! Been there too. May you feel God's all encompassing peace through these next days. Love ya!

jillyco said...

Love you Stef. I too lost a baby in that way...first trimester. It's hard. Praying for peace in your heart, and a special awareness of God's presence. Hugs.

Lotte Dedeaux said...

Stef, I am so sorry. The reality is that no one can say anything that will make the pain go away or make you "feel better". This is a hurt, and death and a time to mourn. I have had 3 miscarriages. Never made it past 11 weeks. The last one was the same situation as yours. The baby simply stopped growing and was not "healthy". While it may be "common" it doesn't diminish the hurt and the physical grief you are going through. If you need to talk I am here for you. Know that you are greatly loved......

Erin said...

Sweet little baby... I am so sorry you for your loss. Love to you! I am praying for you. <3

Sarah Moulton said...

sorry to hear it steph. I will be praying for you especially over the next couple days and stuff. Isn't it wondeful to have a God to rest in during hard times. I don't know how people handle trials otherwise.

Kelle said...

Stef, I am so sorry for your loss. Your comment voiced your obvious strength. Much love to you as you go through the next hard days, and I hope soon you experience the beauty and joy of motherhood--in whatever path you take to get to the prize you yearn for.

ally said...

please, please let me do something for you! i am praying for you and mourning your loss as well. i am so thankful that we both know Jesus, and that we know that someday you will get to hold that sweet little one of yours, but until that day, Jesus is going to hold your child and honestly, thats the most loving place for your baby to be. i love you stef, and we love your amazing family. praying for you!
xo,
a

Charlotte said...

Stef, I am lifting you up in prayer today! For healing and comfort during this time, and peace in the days ahead. We also lost a baby at 12 weeks...I am so thankful your doctor was understanding. ((Hugs))

sarah said...

Praying for you Stef~

Brooke said...

I"m so sorry, Stef & Jason! I, too, know how it feels to miscarry. We miscarried before Sutton. It's harder than you expect. I will be praying for you and grieve your loss with you. So glad you have help around you!

Liz said...

Praying for you and your whole family, dear friend. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you all. Love you.

Elizabeth said...

I don't personally know you. I'm a friend of Jessica Swenson and we were browsing blogs today. I understand. Just went through the same thing a little over two weeks ago. I wasn't as far along as you, it was my second miscarriage but I get it. I will be praying for you. I have been struck with Psalm 127:1, "Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain." Like you said, this wasn't a moment where God took a nap. All along your little baby had each heartbeat, each day numbered and that sweet baby now is held in heaven. I will be covering you with prayer. I trust that your mourning will turn to joy, God will be glorified, and this will all serve as part of your testimony... but in the meantime I'm praying you to deliver at home without any medical intervention. May you FEEL God hunkered down in the corner with you. God Bless you and your family.

Carrie said...

Oh, Stef. I'm so sorry. Some days there aren't enough words. Or tears.
I have had two times recently, with not great news, that my pastor randomly called to say we were on his heart. I took that as God saying we would be fine. He finds ways to get you through. I am going to pray that he sends you that thing, whatever it will be, quick.

Stef said...

Thank you all!

Elizabeth, your comment brought me to tears. How good God is to bring us into each other's lives at just the right time. This is my 2nd miscarriage as well and I think I have to say, it just gets harder. I was only 4-5 weeks along with my 1st miscarriage and I do believe it was much easier... but its always hard.
Thank you for the verse. I will be praying for you as I have difficult days and remember you in my times of need. I pray God will lift us up and give us opportunities to minister to other women, as you already have to me <3

Jen said...

Oh Stef I have thought about you all day and my heart aches for you... I just read this a few days ago...

"When you pass through the waters... they will not sweep over you" Isaiah 43:2
"When you pass through the waters "Deep the waves may be and cold,But Jehovah is our refuge, And His promise is our hold; For the Lord Himself has said it, He, the faithful God and true; "When you come to the waters You will not go down , BUT THROUGH." Seas of sorrow, seas of trial, Bitter anguish, fiercest pain, Rolling surges of temptation sweeping over heart and brain - They will never overflow us For we know His word is true; All His waves and all His billows He will lead us safely THROUGH. Threatening breakers of destruction, Doubt's insidious undertow, Will not sink us, will not drag us Out to ocean depths of Woe; For His promise will sustain us, Praise the Lord, Whose Word is True! We will not go down, or under, For He says, " You will pass THROUGH." Annie Johnson Flint

You are passing through a deep valley but I pray that God will uphold you with His loving, mighty hands!!! Praying for you friend!

Christy said...

Just passing through the blog world when I read the title of your latest post. My heart brakes for you and for what I know is an immeasurable loss. I wanted you to know that there is an extra prayer of strentgh and comfort meant for you today.

It's quite an unpredictable journey- trying to build a family- but such a good and noble one. I know success will reach you soon! xxo

Stef said...

thank you so much for the note, Christy! Blessings to you <3

Snooley said...

praying!

Melissa said...

Oh Stef... After getting your emails I decided to go backwards on your blog a bit and finally found this.
I'm so sorry I didn't know. I'm so very sorry, friend.
The anguish! Oh, the anguish! Only our Lord knows the anguish!

Stef said...

sorry Melissa! I didn't realize you hadn't read this :(

 

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